5th Column: Luck of the Irish my Foot

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Jess Cashin, Page Two Editor
November 10, 2011
Filed under Uncategorized

In case you couldn’t guess by my exceptionally pale complexion and many freckles, I’m 100% Irish. No, it doesn’t mean that I have 8,000 siblings, nor does it mean that I’m a drunk. What it does mean is that I have a vast expanse of knowledge on the topic of luck. Leprechauns and four-leaf-clovers and pots of gold and rainbows? Yeah I’m all over that.

The first rule of luck: what is this “luck o’ the Irish” nonsense and where can I get some? I’m pretty much as Irish as they come without having that super sexy brogue, and I am certainly not the world’s luckiest person. If I were the world’s luckiest person, my life would be slightly different.

First of all, I would not be running around like a crazy all the time. By this point, someone would have seen me being nuts and come up to me and said, “Hey, I noticed that you’re eating paper, why don’t you let me be your personal assistant, fo’ free?” Now that would be lucky.

Second of all, I would have tons of amazing, beautiful clothes magically appearing in my closet. Remember in Clueless when she has that computer that she uses to pick out her outfit in the morning? Yeah I’d have one of those too. Then, I’d have a fashionable new outfit every day. Then, I would be walking down ze street (yeah, I’m using a French accent now, what of it?) and a man would walk up to me and say, “Would you like to be a supermodel?” Next thing you know, I’m on the cover of Vogue. That’s lucky.

What’s not lucky? Well, I was given the top floor apartment in a building with no elevator, and since I’m a dancer and have a tendency to, well, dance, I have my floor banged on by the people downstairs regularly. I also only have enough money for food to buy mostly boxes of mac and cheese. Also, I spent about three hours wandering around the streets of DC trying to find the Spanish Embassy, only to find out that it was about a block away from where I began.

Maybe I’m not approaching luck the right way. Maybe I should start taking the bull by the horns (the horse by the shoe?) and make some luck happen. Maybe this “luck o’ the Irish” business isn’t just automatically bestowed upon every child born of the Emerald Isle. Maybe the Irish get luck because they demand luck! Alrighty then! HEY, LUCK, GET AT ME, BRAH!