Terror Abounds in 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre'

Some people spend years in therapy trying to rid themselves of chronic symptoms such as panic and fear. But somewhere between therapy and sanity lies a dangerous middle ground where individuals crave the very symptoms that so many spend serious time and money to get rid of. These middle dwellers are willing to spend their hard- earned money (a whopping $6.25 with student discount) to voluntarily endure hours of terror - and for what purpose? These crazy kids would go so far as to say "It's fun!" That's right folks. These psychos are none other than...the fright flick fans.

I recently found myself surrounded by throngs of these code-20s at the recent opening of New Line Cinema's newest release, "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." Seemingly desensitized to the gruesome horror on the screen, they screamed with delight at the growl of the chainsaw. They laughed, guffawed even, at the sight of a helpless co-ed running for her life from the clutches of a psychotic mass murderer. They squealed with glee as blood spurted over the camera lens, while I utilized my multipurpose purse/barf bag.

I don't like horror movies. I don't like horror T.V. shows. I don't even like brushing my teeth at night because I'm afraid that the Candyman is going to be standing behind me when I look in the mirror. But because of my passionate dedication to our fine University newspaper and the incessant prodding of a close friend who happens to be a fright flick fan, I saw the scary movie. At night. At Union Station. On a full bladder. Need I say more?

"Texas Chainsaw Massacre" is, by far, one of the scariest movies of all time. The film opens with "real footage" of the crime seen as captured on police evidence videotape. The words "real footage" are used because this particular movie was "based on a true story." When "based on a true story" is applied to a chainsaw-wielding psychopath wearing a mask made from the face of his latest victim, who kills to satiate the hunger of his cannibalistic family, there's an added and all-too undesirable familiarity that makes palms extra sweaty and knuckles extra white.

The plot is pretty standard. Five college-age kids are on their way to a concert in a beat-up VW van when they pick up a hitchhiker. The hitchhiker is bloody, two kids are smoking pot, another two kids are making out in the back seat, and the virgin is navigating in the front seat with her legs crossed. There's also thousands of dollars worth of Mexican hash stashed into a donkey piñata.

Needless to say, a deranged killer comes along and takes matters into his own hands, hands that happen to be wielding a multi-horsepower gardening tool. Jessica Biel, as Erin (the virgin,) manages to escape the chainsaw's wrath by using such brilliant techniques as running in the opposite direction and screaming, "No! Don't!" Fortunately for the male audience members, she lives long enough to be outside during a storm while wearing a white tank top. She proceeds to hide in a meat locker where the temperature is below freezing. Enough said.

Overall, the movie serves its purpose as a horror flick. There is no shortage of guts, gore and gruesome death scenes. Suspense abounds and a surprising twist or two will make moviegoers think twice about ever calling a sheriff for help in the middle of a cornfield, or ever hiding from a killer in a rundown trailer housing a duo of in-bred women. If nothing else, this movie is a great way to spend a Halloween afternoon, or even a Halloween night. Just be sure to watch out for the Candyman.